Road Rage

I am going to kill someone on the way home.  Not drunk driving on the way home from the bar.  Not driving while crying my way home from a funeral.  I am going to kill someone on the way home from work on a good day.

I am a pacifist.  Absolutely.  But I do believe in consequences.  Driving home yesterday, there was a jackhole in a BMW 650i.  I keep imagining him getting crushed between the cop car he cut off and the semi truck in front of him.  I am no fan of cops, but this cop didn’t deserve to be killed in the accident I kept wishing for.  So, I am sorry that I wish this BMW got completely crushed.

I still wish this BMW was occupied by another vehicle.  You see, here is the thing I don’t understand, you think that you are going to swerve out from behind a cop and sideswipe my $15,000 car with your $100,000(look up the MSRP) car and I’m going to do more than laugh at you?  Sure, I was hungry and would have had to wait to get my Taco Bell, but really I would have laughed.  I am only angry because you didn’t.  Because you didn’t, I swerved and almost got slammed between two trucks.  Because I value human life by default, I considered yours and almost died myself.  Remind me that you are a worthless jackhole.

I wish I could believe, by default, that people are worthless pieces of scum and do not deserve me putting my life at risk.  I wish I could value human life as little as you do, you little piece of overindulged, under-digested, regurgitated anchovies.  That is the taste and aroma that ought to follow your kind around so that we can notice you from a distance.  I think I may carry around a bag of anchovy vomit in my sun soaked car in Florida so that the next time I see you I can rip the bag and launch it into your sunroof.

Next time, you are going to hit me.  I am going to play the pacifist.  You are going to see active non-violence.  You are going to see active non-avoidance.  You are going to buy me a car.  Because I hate this anger that makes me wish you dead.  I am done playing chicken and being scared of killing people or dying.  Next time we are playing “Unstoppable force, Immovable object.”  Good luck.  Just remember that you can and will buy me a car that costs about as much as the fender on your $100,000 delusion of importance.  And then I will make sure the scar annoys you more than anything you have ever experienced.  There will be lawyers.  There will be doctors.  There will be at least a decade of harassment and silly “frivolous” lawsuits that your lawyer(s) will tell you that you can’t call frivolous.  By the end of it all, I will have a new car and so will your lawyers.  I’ll even give your lawyers hi-fives in the courtroom.  Actually I’ll do it in front of the court building so the newspapers can snap some pictures.

I may drive “aggressively” or “effectively” depending on your perspective, but I do not cut people off.  I signal.  I get out of people’s way.  I pay attention.  When I make a mistake and switch lanes trying to get ahead and fall behind, I do not use it as an excuse to cut someone off in the “right” lane.  I am a good driver.  I may play aggressively but I am incredibly defensive too.  You are in for a surprise.  Game on.

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