Love Text

Not that I have a large following, but in a very flattering moment, a stranger has asked a question.  I will not answer her question directly, but will address it here clearly.  Apparently it is pretty clear to some that Jeannette is my boss.  So, let me say succinctly, that she is not.

But the thing I will not answer is who she is.  That is not important to you people.  I know another girl who thinks she is Jeannette, but she’s not.  It’s funny to some degree.  Then I heard another story that made me want to lay something out.   This will clarify some things.

It seems odd to tell a girl you love her by text message.  It seems like it takes a coward.

So let me give Jeannette more than enough to know exactly who she is, if she should read this, while I explain my objection to the above.

I texted Jeannette and told her I could love her.  I told her how amazing she was.  I told her things that took courage beyond description.  And I did it through text message because I was afraid.  I was not afraid like a coward, testing the waters from a distance; I was afraid like an engineer, making sure that all the pieces made sense.  Do you know what it’s like to be misunderstood?  I wasn’t afraid of how she’d respond.  I wasn’t afraid of rejection.  I was afraid that she wouldn’t understand if I stumbled through things in spoken English.

You see, that’s the thing, I didn’t say, “Hey Jeannette, I think I love you.”  I didn’t wait on baited breath for it to sink in and hope that she felt the same way.  I put it all out there in plain and clear English.  I wasn’t asking for a response.  I wasn’t tossing my feelings out there as an attempt to manipulate her into anything.  I just wanted her to know.  I want the entire world to know.  It’s not that I am a coward.  It’s that in 10 minutes I can type 500 words in a clear and concise blog entry using properly formatted sentences and decently organized paragraphs, but most people seem to have trouble understanding the intensity with which I feel emotions when they see me in person.

“I just want to say, I know there’s a million reasons nothing should ever happen between us and that is fine by me, but you are amazing and beautiful and although I spent most of my marriage alone, it wasn’t until I actually noticed you that I felt lonely… I’m not asking you out or anything… I just want to put the cards on the table… I’d rather be your friend forever than hold onto this hope that the universe will change and say something stupid one drunken night…”

…she asked me to respect the fact that she was in a relationship…

“Yeah… I know… And I respect that you have a life that has momentum and a million other reasons… And I really just wanted to put it out there now because I want to be your friend… I’m not hoping it goes anywhere in the future… I’m not plotting the demise of your relationship… I just wanted to say this in a clear head because if I was drunk it’d come out very differently…. You remind me of the people I hung out with in college the first time and I would really like to be friends”

I meant every word and I am not scared if they see the light of day.  I don’t care if everyone thinks it’s a lie.  I think she is amazing and beautiful still.  Even then I didn’t think or intend for it to go anywhere.  She still blows me away and stops me in my tracks every now and then.  You know how they say when you love someone, you love their flaws?  She reminds that it’s not that at all.  She reminds me that when you love someone other people think her amazing quirks are flaws.  She’s cute and quirky.  She’s amazing and there will never be a relationship.  I can genuinely be happy for her even if loving someone else makes her happy.  I don’t think that if she was available there’d even be the chance for a relationship and I really don’t care.

And you know what, when I meet the love of my life I won’t be embarrassed that Jeannette is beautiful and amazing and the love of my life wouldn’t expect that to change.  I know a few beautiful and amazing women that I really don’t fantasize about and wish I could be with.

Tell me that I texted her all that because I was a coward.  Tell me I’m putting it up here because I’m a coward.  Or maybe we should consider why people use assistive technology when it comes to communication, even important, personal stuff.

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