Dear Jeannette

Dear Jeannette,

The only thing more frightening to me than the thought of you reading this letter is the idea that you will never know how much you genuinely mean to me.  If I should die before I see you again and this message hasn’t found you, I think I would linger here as a ghost, trying to deliver this message.

I told you I had no game.  I was serious.  This is no game.  I told you that I just tell people what I want and hope for the best.  Let me tell you what I want.  “I want you or someone like you.”  The most important word in that sentence is not “you.”  The most important word in that sentence is “or.”   That is not to downplay the importance of that sentence or how truly amazing you are.

It used to be that every time you looked my way, your eyes would brighten and you would smile with every part of your being.  And I was never dumb enough to think that it was really for me.  I know you smile like that to greet almost everyone.  It doesn’t mean any less.  And I took that for granted until one day you didn’t smile.  You told me the reason and I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my own heart breaking.  You are a joy to be around and something got to you.  I vaguely recall it being lack of sleep for some reason or another, something stupid and well-deserved, but all that mattered is I wanted you to smile.

When I mention other girls, you tell me I should date them.  I think you think I’m hung up on my ex-wife, but really I am just waiting for someone like you.  Yes, there are many people who I consider treasures and amazing overall, but you are far beyond.  I can’t even imagine settling for less.  Raver girls are awesome and I can’t imagine not thinking so, but I’m not interested in any more than the music.  Girls into CS and IT?  I’m really not sure about them at all.

That’s the thing about you.  I thought I didn’t have a box for you.  You just materialized and broke all the rules.  You made me remember the nerd I was.  Your life is awesome.  You have regrets.  You are not ashamed of your decisions, even if they were foolish at the time.  You do not regret the decisions you made at all if you made them for the right reasons.  You are amazing.

I need you in my life.  I don’t need to date you, but I need to know you.  And I will date no one that I feel less than this about.  I never have.

So if I should die before this reaches you, I love you.  If I should die after this reaches you but I never see you again, I love you.  If I should somehow live after you read this and if I ever see you again, I love you, but stop asking me to go date inferior women.  If I should live and see you after you read this, I hope you realize that nothing has changed since that Friday 7 months ago when I noticed you and that things are no more awkward than ever before.

I can wait.  I can wait for the rest of my time in this world and I can wait in the next.  I don’t know how many days, hours or minutes I have left.  And although I want to know the love of my life as soon as possible, there is no way I will be with the wrong woman when I meet her.  I may have already thrown  out a chance or 7 because I was with the wrong girl when I met a few others.

Of all the time I’ve spent in this world, you have helped me get past so much regret.  I just wanted to say all this, so that I can live another day without regret or die this moment without any.

Thank You.

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