…into the looking glass

I am alone.

For the first time in my life I really know what that means.  It is the most amazing and freeing and horrible feeling in the universe.

My entire life I’ve been guilty of thinking I understand other people.  And really, I do have a good handle on other people.  The latest revelation I have come to is that I’ve never understood  myself.

It has been my greatest strength for years and my greatest weakness for decades. 

I’d like to blame little chemicals floating around my head for all of it, and perhaps that is the actual case, but I have never done anything about it.  Until today.  Today I met with a doctor and am starting on some medication that has potential.

I’ve done my research and I knew what I wanted to try.  I found a doctor that I can respect to some degree and talked to him about my problems.  He checked my blood pressure and was mildly concerned, but I explained to him how nervous I was about today.

And now I am trying it.  Even if there is more to my issue than something some tablets can fix or even if the tablets are a step in the wrong direction, I have taken a step.

I mentioned this idea to an amazing woman over a year ago.  I mentioned it to Jeannete months ago.  I’ve mentioned it to my sister for a couple of years and doctors discussed it with my parents a couple of decades ago.

But last week, someone said two words that filled in too many blanks in my life to ignore.

Now, I realize I am alone.  This is a journey I must take by myself and for myself.  No other person on this planet cares, at least not enough.  This may be the last step of this journey I share with you.

This may be the last step of any journey I share with you.

I am going to go and work on understanding me.

For at least the next few days I will be reverting this blog back to the expansion of “One Step Forward.”  I am not sure where it will go after that, but I know I need to take a good look into the looking glass.

Wish me luck.

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