I really don’t feel like talking about being sad.
I guess that’s a good enough reason to talk about being sad.
I haven’t felt like writing anything in a while because I’ve been seriously looking at my life and have been quite unhappy with what I see.
Let’s be clear, I am not depressed.
It is these low moments where you learn. It is always the low moments when you learn. What I am learning right now is that I have the most amazing family that has ever been.
The thing that I am learning now, what has been the hardest and longest lesson of my life is that family is those people that judge you and love you independently.
I have no doubt that my parents love me unconditionally, even though all relationships get a little rocky. What is amazing is the support that I am getting right now. And not just from them. I have friends I can call at any hour of any day. I have friends that know they can call me any time.
What makes these people family is that, I can judge them and they can judge me and I will not question their love. I can hate them and they can hate me and I won’t question their love.
So, it’s great that I have people I can talk to about how horrible life is right now and they can point at my mistakes with me and we can both marvel at what a brilliant idiot I was and sometimes still am and how terrible things are.
But at the same time, we all know it’ll get better. Together, we’re fixing the problems in my life. Some support me with words. Some with barbecues. Some just by coming to dinner once a week smiling and making stupid conversation. Some by much, much more. I cannot put into words what it means to me how my parents are supporting me right now.
So, I’ve messed up. Royally. Repeatedly. And looking at it makes it hard to thread together the good into good stories and distill them down to short insights. I am sorry for my weeklong absence, but I am back.
I think I’ve found a new voice. Anyway, off to a barbecue.