I am NOT happy for her

I am not happy for her.  Trust me, I will never be happy for her again.

I do hope she is happy.

My ex-wife has just gotten engaged.  And I have very complicated emotions about such a simple event.

You see, she spent about a decade of our relationship telling me she was in love with someone else.  And I spent every ounce of my heart on trying to steer our relationship through those troubled waters.  And now, less than a year after our divorce, she is not marrying that person, but someone else.

My ex-wife and I spent more than a 3rd of our lives together.  She was my first “great” love.  Foolishly or not, I would have done just about anything for this girl.  And after an intensely traumatic event, I couldn’t rush to her side, because such things are not actually possible.  And there is no way I could have been there, because again, that would have been impossible.  She spent the next decade telling me she loved the person that was there for her.  I spent the next decade trying to get her to see that this was a misplaced emotion and that I was and ever will be sorry that I couldn’t be there.  I spent the next decade “being there”.  Eventually, you have no more heart to give.

I know I sound bitter.  I AM bitter.

But a 3rd of your life is a lifetime.  I loved her.  I’ve always worried about her and I hope she is happy.  This is not something that will go away for someone like me.

However, I also hope she is miserable.  I also hope that things don’t work out for her.  I hope that everything I did for years is part of her definition of love.  I hope she learned that what I gave her was a commitment that cannot be beaten.  I hope that her relationships will be built on the foundation I showed her.  I hope her future loves will match the commitment I gave to her.  But… if they do… if she has finally learned the lesson… What do I get for teaching it?

If she now knows how to love one person with every crumb of her heart, what do I get?  If she can really appreciate being loved and smile at the thought that someone wants every piece of her now, what do I get?  I waited for that for so long.  I paid for it dearly.  If she’s finally there, what do I get?

I know that sometimes in life you are just the blunt instrument that is used to bludgeon the universe into order.  But FUCK!!! It hurts.

So my dear, I am not happy for you.  I do hope you find happiness.  But understand that I will never be happy for you.  I hope you learned the lesson because it was expensive.  I wish it could soothe my hurt that you may have learned it, but really, it is just a reminder that it cost everything I could give.  And really, if it’s not the one you spent a decade telling me it was, what was it all for?  I hope this one, has more of you than I had.

For myself I will take what good I can from it.  I know who I am.  I know how deeply and sincerely I can love.  I know the true strength of my character to fight a losing battle for years.  The universe has taught me many things and will teach me many more.  But much like my cryptography class, I feel like I’ve put so much of myself into something and gotten nothing in return.  There must be a lesson in all this for me.  I only hope I can find it soon and that it is worth all that I have paid.


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