I am not happy for her. Trust me, I will never be happy for her again.
I do hope she is happy.
My ex-wife has just gotten engaged. And I have very complicated emotions about such a simple event.
You see, she spent about a decade of our relationship telling me she was in love with someone else. And I spent every ounce of my heart on trying to steer our relationship through those troubled waters. And now, less than a year after our divorce, she is not marrying that person, but someone else.
My ex-wife and I spent more than a 3rd of our lives together. She was my first “great” love. Foolishly or not, I would have done just about anything for this girl. And after an intensely traumatic event, I couldn’t rush to her side, because such things are not actually possible. And there is no way I could have been there, because again, that would have been impossible. She spent the next decade telling me she loved the person that was there for her. I spent the next decade trying to get her to see that this was a misplaced emotion and that I was and ever will be sorry that I couldn’t be there. I spent the next decade “being there”. Eventually, you have no more heart to give.
I know I sound bitter. I AM bitter.
But a 3rd of your life is a lifetime. I loved her. I’ve always worried about her and I hope she is happy. This is not something that will go away for someone like me.
However, I also hope she is miserable. I also hope that things don’t work out for her. I hope that everything I did for years is part of her definition of love. I hope she learned that what I gave her was a commitment that cannot be beaten. I hope that her relationships will be built on the foundation I showed her. I hope her future loves will match the commitment I gave to her. But… if they do… if she has finally learned the lesson… What do I get for teaching it?
If she now knows how to love one person with every crumb of her heart, what do I get? If she can really appreciate being loved and smile at the thought that someone wants every piece of her now, what do I get? I waited for that for so long. I paid for it dearly. If she’s finally there, what do I get?
I know that sometimes in life you are just the blunt instrument that is used to bludgeon the universe into order. But FUCK!!! It hurts.
So my dear, I am not happy for you. I do hope you find happiness. But understand that I will never be happy for you. I hope you learned the lesson because it was expensive. I wish it could soothe my hurt that you may have learned it, but really, it is just a reminder that it cost everything I could give. And really, if it’s not the one you spent a decade telling me it was, what was it all for? I hope this one, has more of you than I had.
For myself I will take what good I can from it. I know who I am. I know how deeply and sincerely I can love. I know the true strength of my character to fight a losing battle for years. The universe has taught me many things and will teach me many more. But much like my cryptography class, I feel like I’ve put so much of myself into something and gotten nothing in return. There must be a lesson in all this for me. I only hope I can find it soon and that it is worth all that I have paid.