There are people in this world who do not know how to stand. There’s this amazing girl that my life has been blessed to have a close connection to for going on 28 years. She knows how to stand. It breaks my heart to hear her speak of how hard it is to stand where she is now. The problem seems to be that she stands alone.
As the recently divorced(coming up on a year) I am only becoming accustomed to standing alone. There was a chunk of my marriage where I felt alone, but I was far from standing. Perhaps that colors my perspective, but I am learning that in the choice between standing and being with someone, standing is far ahead of the alternative.
Part of me wants to cry out that she is not alone. She has such an amazing personality that near strangers really care for her. She is not outgoing and not introverted, but a strange oscillating mixture of the two. She has friendships that run deep and many more that don’t. She has family that will stand by her side or in front of her as a shield or behind her as support. There is no way she could ever be alone.
Part of me knows better. I went and talked to one of the angels I have the pleasure of seeing pretty regularly and with this huge grin on my face said, “I am learning to grow old alone.” I was so happy because it was the proudest accomplishment of my life. It is the great fear I think most of us share. The words mean so much more since my ex-wife chose Adam Sandler’s “I Want to Grow Old with You” as the song for our cake cutting at the wedding. I get it. She did not. She got that strange “sad for you” look and said I wouldn’t end up alone. There is no way to explain to some people the freedom of unbinding your own wings.
I do not want to grow old alone. I want someone to look out ahead at the universe with now. I want someone to look back at my life with at the end. I have some of the deepest friendships in the universe and on my deathbed, I will not be alone. However, there are a kaboomazillion moments every day that none of them have shared with me. No one has been here all week as I’ve debated whether bringing in a bottle of beer for a co-worker to take home and try would be appropriate(I’m taking it in today). No one was laying sloppily and drowsily in bed for me to make breakfast for(I love making breakfast for people). I get it.
So, to my champion… to the single strongest person I know… I offer this…
The universe is not good or bad. Your life is not amazing to anyone but you. When your life is not amazing to you, it is not because the universe has changed. We all want to stand alone and know that we are not alone. We all want to go on an amazing journey that turns at our every whim and have someone to share it with. It is easy to get lost by pursuing either side of those goals. The universe has a plan for you and every decision it throws at you is part of that plan. The plan it has set for you is not a line, but a flowchart of decisions. The path you walk is not a new one and is not the same path as everyone else.
Please try to see the world from that perspective for a moment. I know you love getting in the car and letting kismet navigate. I know you love getting in the car and having a plan of which cities you need to hit in which order so that you can see the most states and concerts and visit friends you haven’t seen in years. I know you’ve felt that if you had someone with you, you’d have to compromise on your plans.
As someone who’s lived life in the passenger seat for so long, I truly admire the way you’ve tackled life. As someone who’s only recently learned to drive, perhaps I can still treasure sharing the burden and taking turns and having conversations and ending up places I’d never planned or dreamed. I think we’ve both done many things wrong and could learn much from each other. I know I’ve learned so much from you in the last two years.
(I wrote a post and had it scheduled for this morning, but I read some stuff and felt I needed to say this. Oddly it is the same message as yesterday’s post, so I guess it’s part 2 and simply for a different lovely lady that I know).