Apparently, everything

Months ago, we had a fill-in at work.  I was going to have to work all day with someone who had no interest in doing things any better than the bare minimum and who would spend the entire day distracted because what happened today would have no impact on tomorrow.  As I walked in, I saw the manager walking our fill-in into the office and I only saw her from behind, so I had no idea who she was.

Then I had a thought that my friends can confirm is incredibly bizarre, for me at least.  “Dayum!  If I had to be bored, frustrated and picking up slack at work all day, at least there’d be something to look at.”  It wasn’t until about 10-15 minutes later, after I had gotten an energy drink and candy to sustain me through the day that I actually went back to our work area and almost dropped everything when I saw her.

Yeah, it was a girl I had already thought was gorgeous and amazing.  I had worked with her occasionally for a few months and had never once seen her from that angle.  I had never even considered seeing her from that angle, actually.  It was a serious reality check that made me consider what it was that I found so attractive about this girl.

Apparently, everything.

What brings this to mind is that we are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my divorce and I, of course cannot help but think of my ex-wife.  You see, that day with the floater, we, as usual, got into weird and amazing conversation.  For the first time in my life I voiced the most terrifying words I have ever spoken, words that had ricocheted off the inside of my skull for 4 years.

I had contemplated suicide.  I had planned it.  I had figured it out and I will not go into details here.

My ex-wife unwittingly and unintentionally saved me from that.  I could not talk to her about it, for obvious reasons, but she just imposed herself in such a way that my plan fell apart and I had to snap out of it.  I had never told anyone the plan or even admitted to myself how serious I was.

For the first time in years I have someone that I can look at and up to and who fills me with this need to be understood.  I have realized that she will never understand me, which is quite sad, but I still look at her and up to her and want to be understood, so as sad as it is, I embrace the power and magic of seeing her.  She is why I stepped up from little tidbits about life on facebook, to full fledged raving on blogs.  You should all thank her in the comments section.  If enough of you do, I’ll forward them along and we can creep her out even more, together. 😉

Just as my ex wife saved my life then, this girl saved my life again.  Neither knew how important they were and I doubt this girl is any more or less than creeped out by the fact that I thanked her for this, but on that day when she drew this thought from the deepest corner of my mind, I called my ex-wife and thanked her for keeping me alive.  And now I thank this girl for reminding me what life feels like and showing me what life really looks like.


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