Fifty Shades of Porn

“You know if I have sex with a guy, the first thing I’m going to do is call my sister and tell her everything about it. Don’t guys talk about sex all the time too?”

Yeah. No.

Guys think about sex all the time, if you want to feed stereotypes. Women talk about it. Women talk up the details about sex and everything else. Guys are simple and often simple minded.

“I WEEEL GET DAT!”(Spoken in a Borat-esque accent) is about as much sex talk as men commonly get into. “Dude, I finally hit it.” There are of course dirtier conversations and much more detailed conversations, but I’ll get to that.

You know what the key difference is? When a woman has a one night stand or has sex with someone her friends will judge her for, then she may get a little quiet on the topic, but in general, when it comes to gloating about good, real sex, women have us beat. Men on the other hand, want to talk about the one night stands and brainless bimbos they’ve duped.  Cheap thrills are the stories that make the best nights.

When a man loves a woman, he sees something amazing that he is sure the rest of the world is incapable of seeing. If anyone else saw it, how could she be single? How could she be with me? When a man really loves a woman, he clams up about anything that would put her on porn star levels, because even though men have trouble finding the words, no one wants to date an actual porn star and have porn sex all the time. He wants the world to see the perfection. He wants everyone to love her. Sure, great wild and crazy sex can be fun and exciting, but most men don’t want a woman who goes to work and has that same exact sex for money while people film it so others can illegally download it. Even the men that date porn stars want a piece of them that is not on film.

“I can’t tell you how many times I have seen my sister’s boyfriends…”

Men don’t share pictures of the women they love. That girl from the club? Hell yeah. Pass that around. That girl that shredded my heart to pieces, so now I am convinced she is garbage? Please repost this to every site you can find. The ones they care about? Oh sure we want all of our buddies to know you’re sexy and think you must be a freak in the bed, but we never want them to be sure or exactly how. We might share a hint of something if you come up with something really fun and inventive, but in general, we want them to see a porcelain goddess and envy the fact that there are pieces of you that only we have seen.

It’s really funny to think of which sex is shallower as I write this. I guess this is the fundamental difference as to why porn is visual for men and verbal for women. Women want men to be nice and caring and show their soft side in public and gloat about the harder rougher side to their friends. Men want women that other men want in any and every way possible. We don’t care if you’re hard on the outside and soft in private or vice versa. We don’t care about the details in general, as long as some of those details are just for us.

When it comes to porn, though men can share. We can go to strip clubs together and talk about porn. We can have “disgusting” and “graphic” conversations about sex and the details of what kind of porn we like. There is no topic that is disgusting or demeaning to women. There are no women in porn, just bodies, and usually a pretty face.  We can talk about anything and about anyone, except “her”.

Speaking of pretty faces:

 

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