Audio

Catch Me, Turn Me On

What you tell me and what you think does not interest me.
You had fallen in my net, you know that I had you in my trap.
You lost, I beat you.
You love me and adore me, but I do not care.
We two will not be more than a day, and I tell you this straight at your face.
You hoped, you got dumped…

Catch me, turn me on
Now hold me, embrace me
I want one night just that, and nothing more.
Catch me, turn me on
Now hold me, embrace me
Give me all you have, stay until tomorrow.

In spite of everything you do, you won’t beat me
I know you did everything to change my mind
You lost, I beat you…
I didn’t feel bad, I was just playing you and your feelings
It’s not my fault that you want another thing and I drove you mad.
You took the risk, you got dumped…
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The Oath

“I swear by my life and my love it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”

I posted this quote the other day and received a response that basically said I’d change my mind when I have kids, so I decided that I should explain this quote in an attempt to explain myself.

First of all, I’ve wanted kids since my cousin entered my life. She came into the world as this beautiful little angel and seeing her eyes glow with love and learning was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. It is hard to believe that she is in post-grad education now and only a year or so away from being able to use the title of “doctor.”

Secondly, I honestly believe that if I had had children, I’d still be in my first marriage regardless of whether all the other BS had changed. I stuck around for 10 years after the relationship started to sour and tried and tried and tried to fix it. If there were kids involved I could’ve stuck it out at least 3-4 times longer.

So, although I know you weren’t trying to insult me, it did sting a little when I was told children would change my opinion. But let’s get on with explaining the quote.

What does it mean “to live for another man?” There are several connotations and implications to consider. First of all, if you consider this statement with the most intensity and passion that can be read into it, it means that without that person, you would find no reason to breathe. There would be no reason to deal with all the horrible things in life without you. If you want to read it on a slightly lower intensity setting, it becomes more along the lines of life is unenjoyable without you. If you weren’t here to make me happy, there is nothing I could do to be happy.

What makes this an important quote to consider is that the second half is the implication of failing the first. If I will only draw breath and find pleasure and happiness in this world through you, I am begging you to be in my life and give me reason to breathe and to be happy. However, it is not even as honest as begging. This is the marketing trick that charities use when they mail you a nickel and ask you to mail it back with a donation. This is the marketing trick when scammers ask you to pay fees so they can send you money. When you live for another person, you are demanding a piece of them by hook or by crook.

So, as romantic as it is to say “I need you,” and “you are the center of my universe,” and ”you are the only thing that makes me happy.” I never want to demand that of my children. I never want to think that my child comes home only because it brings me joy. I hope my children will see that I am a star scattered in the universe as they are. I want them to learn that we can look to each other as beautiful specimens of creation and find guidance and inspiration in one another.

I want my daughter to know that she brings me joy and happiness and that even when I am angry or disappointed or sad or disapproving, there is no diminishing of the love. I want her to know that love is like the sunshine and that clouds may drift across the sky and she may hide in shadows, but it does not actually dim the sun. I want her to know that my love doesn’t need to see her or hear her voice every day, but that every day her voice and face find their way into my life is better. I want her to know that she is a star in the night sky and in the day sky. I want her to be where she needs to be and to shine and to have planets revolve about her.

I want my son to know that women are like stars and that the sun is only special because sometimes it feels like we revolve around her. I never want him to be blinded by the sun for more than half the time. I want him to also look out at the night sky and see all the beautiful stars in the universe. I do want to teach him the beauty and joy of being close enough to one person that her beauty reflects off of everything and brightens the world. I hope he can understand that and make someone feel as special as the sun without them getting jealous that he gazes at stars. I want him to stand his ground and let others revolve around him and to sometimes revolve around “her.” I want him to learn this dance, as I never have.

Yes, I have romanticized the idea of having children. I have thought about it alot. Perhaps having children will change me and I will dote on them and maybe I will only live for them. But I hope that they never see it that way. I hope they know that they belong among the stars and that the sun is just a special star. I want them to know that they are special stars in my sky, day and night; when I can’t see them because they have drifted too far or because they are hiding behind something else, I think of them and love them still.

So if this is ever read by my children, the one thing I want you to know is that I do not live for you, but I live with a piece of you in my heart every day. The thoughts of you and the memories are part of me that feeds my soul. I remember the shadows you cast on my life and the glow you give to everything, but you are stars and are meant to shine from within.  Find your place in the universe and remember me.  Take a piece of me and keep it in your heart.  If you ever want to feel the glow of my life, find me.  Never forget that you brighten my life too, but never glow for me.  Glow for you.  Grow for you.  Shine for you.  Find someone who loves you like this.  Find lots of people who love you like this.

Rise.
And shine.

Video

Sarah Kay

She doesn’t really pick me up, but she makes my heart float a little bit.

I’ve played a couple of Sarah Kay videos for this girl and every time I do, she says, “She’s pretty…”

It makes me so angry.  It’s not in those beautiful brown eyes and luscious curls.  It’s not in the texture and meter of her voice.  She is beautiful.  Her.  That which is hidden within that body with the curls and curves.

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I feel pretty

I am pretty sure that Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCaprio are much more attractive than I am. I am not sure, because I really don’t find much attractive in the way of men. In some meandering conversation with Jeannette, I said, “But I look damn good with a goatee,” which lead to much laughter on her part. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or a bad sign of what she thinks of me, but I don’t think it had anything to do with my physical being at all.

I do however, stand by that statement fully. Being Indian, I have a genetic predisposition for growing tons of awesome hair, unfortunately everywhere. When I let my hair grow it becomes this thick and beautiful mane. When I cut a sharp looking goatee out of the forest that grows on my face it hides the shape and color of my lips and makes me look like I’m smiling more often than is normally perceptible. I’m also not a fan of my chin and it does a wonderful job of hiding it. On the practical side my having a goatee has benefits for my partner as well. By noon, you can’t really see my 5 o’clock shadow, but my face is sandpaper. Being in the Reserves, I haven’t had a really nice head of hair or goatee in 12 years. And shaving before work and before dinner is too much for my skin, so it’s nice if you learn to love the way I look with a goatee because I don’t enjoy you wincing in pain whenever my face touches you.

I am certainly an odd ball in my way of thinking, but I really feel there is an amount of personal preference in attractiveness and I’m okay with the fact that 99.9999% of people on the planet would agree that Brad Pitt and Gavin Rossdale are hotter than I am. However, once we’ve made that connection, I think my partner would find me attractive enough and I’d still be okay with her choosing a picture of Vin Diesel as her ideal of masculine beauty.

And if my future partner is reading this, let me just say that it is very likely that Nicole Scherzinger and Jennifer Lawrence are hotter than you. However, even if I was getting a lap dance from Jessica Alba, I’d still want to go home with you. Physical beauty is beautiful, but it’s not enough. No amount of physical beauty could make me want to come home and lay my head in your lap and talk about the horrors of Monday if you sounded like Fran Drescher or even the gorgeous Leah Remini.   It wouldn’t matter if your voice soothed me like Joss Stone and Dido if your words came out like the Jersey shore. And it wouldn’t matter who offered me their heart and soul once I’ve tasted yours.

I don’t require much. I don’t need you to think I’m the hottest guy or the biggest hunk. I don’t need you tell me I’m the best you’ve ever had in bed or that I am the best or most of anything. In relationships, in life, all I ever want to be is enough. I want to be enough of everything so you know you’ll never need more. So one day, I hope you’ll see that the most romantic thing I could ever tell you is that you’re good enough. You’re good enough for everything and always.

If there was one lesson I wish to teach the world, it is that. This is the lesson I want my children to learn. It needs much refinement, because it is the same sentiment but the opposite words of my rant about being good enough, however if you read both, I think you’re smart “enough” to understand.

Incurable

I have just learned that I suffer from a chronic and incurable disease. Hypoalcoholism affects 50% of all adults in the United States. There is no cure for the disease, though treatments are available. The greatest number of acute attacks occur on Mondays and on weekends, the symptoms often completely disappear. If there is anyone in the area that can help, it would be greatly appreciated. Bonus points will be awarded if you show up in a cute little nurse uniform with a stethoscope. If you show up in uniform and are female, in addition to the administration of medication, sponge baths may be involved. Ideal candidates will be between 5’4” and 5’7” tall and have strawberry blonde hair. Continue reading