How I Met You, Honey

“Honey, I’m going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met you.”

“Am I being punished or something? Yeah, is this going to take a while?”

“Yes.”

“Years ago, before I was yours, I had this whole other life.”


How would you feel if your soulmate told you all these random stories of the people he met before he met you? Well, honey, that’s what you got. I know, right… How did you get so lucky!

It was 2014 and I was living alone. An hour from my best friend and I hadn’t spoken to my oldest friend in years. There was this girl who had just decided that Canada was going to be her home. Forever. She was trading in her rollerblades for skis and a motorcycle. She was sprouting roots in that fresh mounty earth. Oh, you could just smell the maple syrup.

This story isn’t about her, we’ll get back to her later. This is a story about a girl I met 15 years before, and still about 5 years after I met Ms. Maplefish. This is the story of a girl named Amy.

You see I had started blogging about 6 months earlier in order to work things out and one day in December, someone in a black hooded sweatshirt bought a coffee at an internet café. They sat down at a terminal and looked over their shoulders to make sure no one was looking. Quickly they ripped off the sweatshirt and placed it in the garbage can under the table, while no one was looking. Underneath this sweatshirt, they were wearing a green ski mask and powder blue sweatshirt. Again, they looked around to make sure no one was watching and quietly slurped coffee through the ski mask.

Now that they were certain that no one had seen them change costumes, they lit the trash can on fire and moved over two workstations. Now that they were completely anonymous, they logged on to the internet and read every post on my blog. The fire department arrived and this person realized that the authorities had come for them, so they quietly slipped off the ski mask and blue sweatshirt, revealing the Guy Fawkes mask and yellow polka dot bikini. It is unclear from the surveillance footage as to whether this perpetrator was male or female. Somehow they had managed to remain completely anonymous.

Upon discovering this violation of my most private thoughts on this publicly accessible blog, I tried to figure out who could have perpetrated this crime. I began the investigation.

The 3rd suspect was this girl named Amy. When interrogated about her potential involvement, she denied everything. Everything. There was circumstantial evidence that pointed at her and she had no alibi, but she stuck to her guns. Her behavior is still very suspicious.

In order to figure out who could have committed this heinous violation of my privacy, I have been covertly building a “friendship” with this woman to determine if she was in fact the perp. I think she slipped up last night. She admitted to creeping my blog yesterday. I will have to continue my investigation.

Perhaps I will consult with Ms. Maplefish.

 

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