I had to sit and listen to two beautiful young women compare “Frozen” themed birthday party ideas, because they both have daughters with very close birthdays. It made me smile. It makes me smile right now as I write this. I don’t know if I’d ever have enough artistic vision and immediate response to do that for my daughter, but I would love to have a daughter and do what little I could for her. And hopefully she’ll have a mother who is artistic enough to make up the difference.
Truth be told, that is my guaranteed pick me up.
I imagine a daughter and everything seems worth it. I will never understand that bond and I don’t know that I care to dwell on it, but I want to be part of it. I want all the horrors of watching a little girl grow into a strong and confident, delicate but not fragile woman. I’ve seen it. From afar and up close and it is the most amazing show in the world.
I know it will be different if I have a son. I wouldn’t love him any less, and as my friends boys have shown me time and again, there is an entirely different world of wonder, but I just haven’t seen it well enough to convince my mind that it is what I want.
The most remarkable rose I’ve seen grow from a little bud, is my sister in law. When I met her she was six. She had gaps in her teeth and the cutest bangs. Whenever I’d visit my ex wife, her sister was never more than arms reach from me. More often than not, she was climbing all over me trying to be part of the conversation. I loved every minute of it.
As she grew older, she grew into an “awkward” and occasionally angsty teenager, who occasionally had issues sharing(mostly chocolate). She loved so freely and deeply that I would always worry about her tender heart. I was always afraid she’d be hurt so deeply that the fire in her eyes would change. It did. She is tall and beautiful, smart and wise. She is tender and loving. She is sharp and can cut people to pieces with an acid tongue.
She is amazing and nothing like what I had thought or hoped she’d be. Back in the days when I would spin her around in the backyard I couldn’t have been more impressed with her. She impressed me every day I knew her, though.
I must say, that when I am feeling sad, these thoughts are the ones that carry me through.
I may never have a daughter. I may never have a child. I may never find my true partner in life. But perhaps I will. And if I don’t I want to touch the lives of others. I want to see children grow. I want to be part of it. I don’t know how to be part of this world. I know I want to be part of the future.
“Uncle V,” is perhaps the greatest title I have ever received. When my friends’ little one stops all 6things he’s in the middle of and yells “Uncle V,” as I walk through the door, it is hard to feel merely mortal. If I can touch that much immortality, is there anything more? Perhaps one day, a little girl will stop everything she’s doing, put down her homework or her own child, look at me and say, “Dad!” Perhaps that title will mean more.
I leave you with the beautiful daughter, the beautiful mother, the beautiful poet that is Sarah Kay.