So I’ve been busy. By my very nature, I am a procrastinator and as a result I had to produce two papers that I should have been working on for the last 3 months, yesterday. All I wanted to do was blog. As I woke up this morning, I realized that all my little ideas had swum away and I decided I would just read some blogs and rest my writing wheels.
But, Boston caught me right in the stomach.
Every year, at about this time I suffer a major crisis of identity. It hits this same day every year. I wake up and I ask myself, “Who Am I?” I can’t remember when it started happening and I wouldn’t have called it that until 4:48AM this morning, which was all of 18 minutes ago, but it’s been happening at least since middle school. I thought it was because I was getting older and regretting the things I’d missed. I thought it was a mid life or “quarter life” crisis as people foolishly think.
I cried my first tear 34 years ago today. I took my first breath 34 years ago today. I became my own person 34 years ago today, and one of these days I will figure out what that means. As I write this, I just want to call my parents and say thank you. Age makes you wiser and birthdays become something new.
So, this girl who shares a few different facets of her life with us on the internet, L, has really touched my heart. Yesterday, she posted an article about going to Boston and her 5 reasons for doing so and it really reminds me of being there. Not of being in Boston, but of having those five reasons. The first time I went to Boston was about 84 hours after 09/11. I’ll write about that trip some other time (probably this afternoon), but for now let me say this, I am excited for this girl’s trip. She’s not coming to visit me, though the romantic in me was tickled by her style and vagueness.
I’ve cancelled my own trip to New York this summer. I did it for two reasons. Neither of which is because it terrifies me, but oh how it terrifies me. The scariest thing about the trip I had planned was seeing this girl. I’ve met her, but it was 14 years ago and I was in the honeymoon phase of dating my now ex-wife. Somehow, the internet has brought us together again and just talking to her is wonderful. I doubt the chemistry exists for it to turn into more, but it is still a terrifying idea to go there and test it. The major factor in my cancelling the trip is not the fear of that, however. I have cancelled the trip because I need to keep the carrot out of reach a little bit longer. I am not fiscally where I need to be and the idea of a “fantastic voyage” is something I will always reach for.
What made me think and decide to cancel is that my ex-wife just went on a cruise with her fiancée (let’s not discuss how that information came my way), but then mutual friends were chattering on Facebook about how she couldn’t declare bankruptcy to get out of student debt. So, I will not allow myself to take this journey until I am farther from the red. The other reason is because I am looking for a new job and am hoping to make some major progress in that area this summer. I am a romantic in so many ways. I’ve met the guy I want to work for and now I have to really work towards making it happen and that trumps just about everything else now.
So all that being said, I hope she goes. I hope she makes it happen. I will take my own adventure soon, but not soon enough.