I’ve been depressed. I haven’t blogged or read anyone’s blogs in a couple of weeks. I don’t know how related it all is.

About a month ago, I got high. I had the biggest high I’ve had in years. There were no drugs involved. I had had a little time to talk to Jeannette in person and somehow we got caught up sharing YouTube videos and music back and forth. Somehow we kept at it for most of the day via texts and what not even though I was doing other stuff. It was old school stuff. It was fun and woke up old memories. Then I ran across something by her favorite people in the world and had to comment to her and that turned into more good conversation. Then I loaned her a movie.

When I dropped off the movie she got all sorts of excited. I cannot remember the last person I’ve ever heard that giddy. I am pretty sure it was my ex-sister-in-law when we took her to see Phantom of the Opera when she was 8. Anyway, I was already going through withdrawal from the previous interactions and had this stupid idea that she’d text me and tell me how it was.

It’s been a few weeks and I still wait.

I’d like to say I don’t care, but who would I be lying for? I’ve debated texting her about it, but I really think that’d be like an addict looking for another bump of sweet, sweet conversation. So instead, I am just going to wait out the shakes and let my brain chemistry return to normal. I guess I’m going to get back to blogging. I almost started browsing blogs and looking in on what’s up with the few people I follow, but I just wanted to write this first.

Now, before anyone asks the question I’ve been asked a dozen times, it is not because of withdrawal and it is not because of anything. There is great stuff going on in my life and I don’t lose sight of that. The withdrawal lead to sadness which made me notice the depression and I am working on happiness and happy things to bump me out of this, but it takes time. Also, depressed is familiar ground for me. The last few years of my marriage were lived in depression and depressing to even consider now.

I am so much better off. Even though it feels like I’m in a horrible place. Somehow that makes me want to laugh and it really makes me appreciate the fact that I have traveled in the right direction, even if I’m slipping now. So, back to blogging and back to One Step Forward.

Now, you need to smile, so here’s the video that I ran into that made me reach out to her last time:



Bittersweet is my comfort zone. It sucks. Spicy is great and I want it all the time, but it’s never comfortable. Savory is something I can’t explain, but bacon is awesome. I’ve spent the last year and a half focusing on the sweet. The bitter is back.

I woke this morning from a fairytale dream. I want to write it up as a fairytale, but it can’t end with “and they lived happily ever after.” So I guess I’ll just share it as it is.

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Stupid Feminists

So, the internet has randomly buzzed about “Brave” and “Frozen” in terms of the feminist agenda. On some level I am glad that people are considering what lessons children’s movies teach. On every other level, I am disgusted by what the internet teaches. Once again idiots grasp for the current events as examples of what is happening to the youth and discard hundreds of years of finely refined educational material. There are much better role models than Elsa, Anna and Merida. Continue reading

House of Cards

I am part of a family. A humongous family. Your family. We all live like a house of cards. One fell down and now we all lean the more on the others. It is fragile and beautiful and chaotic. Being alone now for the first time since that card fell, I feel alone. I feel like I am falling. Yesterday I had people leaning on me as I leaned on them. Today I just lay here on the floor. Later on, in one gentle motion, they will pick me up and ask me to lean on them so they can lean on me. This is how we live our lives. I love you all.

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