I’ve been depressed. I haven’t blogged or read anyone’s blogs in a couple of weeks. I don’t know how related it all is.
About a month ago, I got high. I had the biggest high I’ve had in years. There were no drugs involved. I had had a little time to talk to Jeannette in person and somehow we got caught up sharing YouTube videos and music back and forth. Somehow we kept at it for most of the day via texts and what not even though I was doing other stuff. It was old school stuff. It was fun and woke up old memories. Then I ran across something by her favorite people in the world and had to comment to her and that turned into more good conversation. Then I loaned her a movie.
When I dropped off the movie she got all sorts of excited. I cannot remember the last person I’ve ever heard that giddy. I am pretty sure it was my ex-sister-in-law when we took her to see Phantom of the Opera when she was 8. Anyway, I was already going through withdrawal from the previous interactions and had this stupid idea that she’d text me and tell me how it was.
It’s been a few weeks and I still wait.
I’d like to say I don’t care, but who would I be lying for? I’ve debated texting her about it, but I really think that’d be like an addict looking for another bump of sweet, sweet conversation. So instead, I am just going to wait out the shakes and let my brain chemistry return to normal. I guess I’m going to get back to blogging. I almost started browsing blogs and looking in on what’s up with the few people I follow, but I just wanted to write this first.
Now, before anyone asks the question I’ve been asked a dozen times, it is not because of withdrawal and it is not because of anything. There is great stuff going on in my life and I don’t lose sight of that. The withdrawal lead to sadness which made me notice the depression and I am working on happiness and happy things to bump me out of this, but it takes time. Also, depressed is familiar ground for me. The last few years of my marriage were lived in depression and depressing to even consider now.
I am so much better off. Even though it feels like I’m in a horrible place. Somehow that makes me want to laugh and it really makes me appreciate the fact that I have traveled in the right direction, even if I’m slipping now. So, back to blogging and back to One Step Forward.
Now, you need to smile, so here’s the video that I ran into that made me reach out to her last time: