Amazing

I was driving through a toll booth at 3:51 AM. There had been a cop following me for the last few miles. As soon as I went through the toll in the express lane, “25 MPH DO NOT STOP,” he flashed his lights on. Steven Tyler crooned: “It’s Amazing…With the blink of an eye you finally see the light”

There is a moment when things start to make sense. For me that moment was about 10 minutes before the toll booth. Aerosmith is one of my musical staples. I’ve heard the song countless times, but I never understood, then in the blink of an eye, I finally saw the light. I know. I sound like a retard. Song lyrics are never about you.

Yeah, well I thought these song lyrics were about meeting a girl. I always imagined it was about the right one arriving. And it’s not. I know I should have understood that before, I mean the lyrics literally tell you that it’s not about a girl, but I never really paid enough attention, apparently.

About 2 weeks ago, I was contemplating the universe. I had once again watched Serendipity on a whim. Not really a whim, but because I felt the universe was speaking. Somehow I had ended up at a funeral in a minority congregation in a town of 3,000 people and it just so happened to be the hometown and congregation of someone I already felt connected to in so many ways. The universe kept stacking coincidences and I felt like watching something to put all the coincidences together in a hopeful way. Armed with all this positivity and anointed in this sense of serendipity, I spoke to some friends and was told about the important things I was missing in my hopeful search. Certainly, I had already collected enough “cons” that a relationship seemed foolish, but the serendipity was overwhelming.

It was in the middle of this conversation that I got a message from a cute stranger. I didn’t contact her until the next day and there were plenty of coincidences to put together and feel serendipitous about. The important thing however is what happened at the bar after that message. I noticed that I am just painfully hopeful about relationships. It’s okay, it’s a good sort of pain, most of the time. I realized that my house is a mess and I really need to get up off my butt and clean it up again. I need to start having my random weekend dinner parties again. I realized I need to do so many things and that I was letting loneliness stop me again. I was letting my loneliness gum up my gears. So I’ve started getting back on track with chores and cooking and everything else. I decided to start doing things that are almost exclusively date/group activities by myself if no one is interested. I am moving on.

Sure, if things pan out with this lovely lady, that’d be great. She seems to be that perfect mix of strengths and random similarities and insane differences that will lend itself well to a friendship or relationship. However, Cassiopeia seems to be smiling down from behind her skirts at the perfect timing of our paths crossing.

What does this have to do with the song and the cop? Do you even have to ask? I guess more importantly, do you dare to ask?

Well, first of all, I moved out of the apartment I shared with my wife two years ago, almost to the day. I felt like I was dying. I actually felt like I was dead and just lingering, waiting for a chance to move on. I had no idea what was happening. Apparently, there were times in my life when I was going insane trying to walk through the pain. I lost my grip. I hit the floor. I thought I could leave but couldn’t get out the door. I was so sick and tired of living a lie. I was wishing that I would die.

But it was amazing. In the blink of an eye I saw the light. When the moment arrived, I knew I’d be alright.

Yeah, well the cop thought I was drunk because I couldn’t stop smiling, my eyes were bloodshot and I had(have?) a Guy Fawkes mask stuck to the back of my driver’s seat headrest. Apparently the suspicious behavior that finally convinced him was the fact that I actually dropped my speed to exactly 25 miles an hour through the toll booth, like I was trying to avoid suspicion. Yeah. Florida. Obeying traffic signs is extremely suspicious behavior.

So now, I caught a sunrise on the beach. I don’t know why I haven’t done that since 02/24/2011. That morning, I really convinced myself that I’d do it more often. I almost got myself a nice thin “New Jersey Style”(they claim New York Style, but I won’t grant them that) slice at this great pizza place on the beach that I’ve only bothered to go to twice, but I got pulled away to help some friends that I’ve known for almost 25 years. I am making plans to catch sunrise in St. Augustine soon, but first dig out the awesome camera I’ve only used 4-5 times. I am planning on pushing to do sunset in Key West by the end of summer. I have season tickets to Broadway style shows in Orlando. I wait for no one. I no longer wait for someone to make sunrise taste better.

I am hoping to do dinner at my place on Sunday, but that means I need to stop writing and finish converting my front bedroom into a “storage locker” for a friend and go weed my garden. So with little to tie everything together, I bid you good day. My life’s a journey, not a destination and I just can’t tell what tomorrow brings. I am relearning how to crawl so I can relearn how to walk. If you want a conclusion, you’ll have to wait until I’m dead. I haven’t felt so alive in years.

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