I am so sick of looking to tomorrow… so sick of looking at yesterday. There was a long time when “today” was the worst time of my life and looking back and forward was all I had. Really, I miss the days when I could look into a woman’s eyes and forget yesterday and tomorrow. I miss those moments when it’s just me and her and whatever that magical thing is when it is just me and her in eternity and it doesn’t matter if time has stopped or is moving forward at a million miles an hour. It has been too long. “Now” is a wonderful thing that I have only recently remembered how to enjoy. Now, I am looking to enjoy that timeless eternity. Some days it is still hard to make myself stop and appreciate what is right in front of me when I spent so long shutting my eyes to where I had ended up.
So… I am sorry for the ridiculous conversation of last night.
This is why I write. This is why I don’t talk to people. This is why I’m single. This is why I take ADHD medication for social reasons.
This is why I’m careful of who I talk to late at night.
But if late at night is the only time we can talk… If I have to wake up early, so that I can’t take my medication and get back a little bit of my filter… If that is just how things are going to be… You should know that I am usually sorry for how I say things… and I have no control… That is the scary thing about me…
If I can slow myself down and read things twice before hitting send, I actually sound pretty intelligent and things seem to make more sense to myself and everyone else.
Please believe that I am sorry if it sounded like I was looking for more than a moment. I am only looking for a moment.
I also really know how amazing it is when the moment is now and forever.