Change is coming…

15 years ago, at this point in time, I was on a course to end up at a party where I was pretty sure a friend wanted me to meet this girl because she was messing up plans with another guy. I had been single for 3 weeks. I had dumped my girlfriend because I was giving more than I was getting in terms of emotional support and it was hurting me to do so. She was young and wonderful, this magical dreamer, I think even to this day. I just needed more support than her young shoulders could give and so it felt like nothing.

At the party I met an amazing girl and spent the next 12 or so years with her. I chased her into the Army thinking I could protect her and found parts of me I never knew existed and met some amazing people that I never would have found or cared for. They have become some of my greatest and most trusted friends. The amazing girl went through more than her fair share and the relationship turned sour.

I have spent the last 3 years alone and at the end of each year, I seem to meet an amazing girl. The first 2 times it was so casual and trivial I just let it go. This year I actually tried to make it into something and perhaps I saw too much there. We talked for months and had one date, then talked some more before I apparently messed things up.

This last one though taught me so much in the times we spoke. She’s beautiful, sure, but there were so many little things that were just amazing coincidences. Somehow, she makes me want to tear open the guarded parts of me and be fully understood. At the same time, she made me want to have the same dedication and commitment to certain things that she shows very clearly. How things ended up just makes me want to scream.

But I refuse to let that be how things end up. This is my scream.

In 2015, I will be just about invisible on Facebook. I will not be posting at all, commenting, liking or sharing. I may slip up because it is a horrible habit and addiction, even though I think my Facebook has been a glimpse of a decent, respectable man who is emotionally sound and good at heart. I think it is a glimpse at a real human being. It’s like a girl without makeup. A real human being. And here I am picturing those blue eyes in sweaty gym clothes, thinking that I wouldn’t find her beautiful in that moment.

But regardless it is going away. Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed by it. Not because I am retreating from the world. Not because I am depressed and sad and angry.

The primary purpose of this is the fact that I believe in a dichotomy of the brain and the mind. In my world view, the brain IS the “lizard brain” but it exerts massive amounts of control on the higher functioning that I regard as my mind. My brain is a powerful and wonderful thing, even peppered with massive shortcomings. The issue is that it has been in control for far too long. My brain has been soaking in dopamine from minor social interactions that have been facilitated by the internet and as a result, it has ruled the decision making processes for too long.

I intend to starve my brain of minor dopamine bumps that occur from non-productive activities and use my mind and will power to engage in productive activities that produce more dopamine in the long run but leave my brain screaming for more in the short term. I expect it to actually feel like withdrawal.

My selected sources of dopamine will be:

  • Physical exercise
  • One Step Forward(maintaining 1-14 pre-written posts)
  • Blogging(maintaining a maximum of 1-5 pre-written posts, 1 response to daily challenge, unlimited poetry)
  • Home improvement
  • Reading
  • Tech Projects

Primary things being removed:

  • Alcohol
  • Facebook
  • MANY foods

It’s going to be rough at first. But this is a life change. This is not a New Year’s resolution. This is not a fad diet and exercise thing that makes you feel good right away. This is an experiment. I am going to starve my brain and see what it eats, like a rat in steel bucket, almost. I am excited by the possibilities. I am not expecting this to be easy or feel wonderful in any specific amount of time, but I hope to read this at the end of next year and measure how far I’ve come.

With that, I wish all of you a happy New Year. May you make the most of it and may the Universe bring you no more than you can handle, but far more than you deserve. It’s going to be a good year.

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I’m On the Way to You

Every night I dream and I see your face
and it always light my way
I learn to read the signs along the path
and I realize love is the inner breath
No matter what will come you should always laugh
and life will smile to you

The words are so simple.  The music is so simple.  The message is so simple.
This is my theme song for 2015.

Aside

first kiss

I miss your kiss
I know you can’t believe it
I know it isn’t possible
but I do…

I miss the bite of your lips
recklessly dancing with mine
like no one is watching

I miss the kiss of your teeth
on the tip of my tongue
that left me fumbling for words

I know you can’t really miss someone
after just your first kiss

I’ve been missing your kiss
since long before then