Time to start taking One Step Forward again

The 3 steps to dealing with upsetting situations:

1) You should take a break
2) Write a really cool haiku
3) Then you continue

It’s been a rough month, but it is time to start moving forward again.  I will be blogging more regularly again.  And posting to One Step Forward.  And writing poems that are better than the one above.  Because it is a poem.  Really.  I swear.


Relationships are for the weak

As a single man, I can tell you very simply that relationships are for the weak.  Everyone who is in a relationship that lasts is someone who makes amazing compromises for the sake of someone else because they need the other person.  No relationship lasts unless it has this imbalance of power.

The magic is that this applies to both people in the relationship.

That is the thing about love.  We seek someone else so that we can feel strong.  At least I do and if you feel differently please let me know.  I want a woman who needs me to protect her.  Sometimes that means physically, but more often than not, I want a woman who needs encouragement and a defense against the slings and arrows of the modern world.  It makes me feel like a big strong man to help a lady out.  Yeah, it is that sexist and simple.  I want a woman who is weak and fragile and easily broken.

At the same, I want a woman whom I can come home to and lay my head in her lap and be miserable.  I want her to lay her hand on my neck and gently rub my back as I just feel horrible about all the things I failed at.  I want a woman who is going to yell at me and make me go out with her.  I want a woman who will drag me, kicking and screaming, to the beach and not whine if I just read a book there.  I hate going to the beach just as much as I love reading at the beach.  I want a woman who will manipulate me into going on vacations and long weekend getaways because I love them only after I get there.  I even explained to my ex-wife how to easily manipulate me into such trips.

See, that is the thing about a partnership of any kind.  We do not enter into partnerships unless we get something out of them.  And when we are enriched by a partnership, it is because we lack something that the partner provides.  I gain strength through two very simple and extremely common mechanisms.  I become stronger when someone I am invested in requires strength.  I become stronger when someone I respect tells me I have strength.  I don’t become weaker by these, and the fact that this makes me stronger does not mean I am weak without it. It means I have weaknesses and the strength to admit and address them.  Fortitude, endurance and courage are not about living without fear or weakness.  They are about living in spite of them.  Not about disregarding them, but facing them.

Reinforcing things to make them stronger relies on discovering and exposing weaknesses.  This is why everyone talks about love and “being vulnerable.”  It really is very simple.  We all have weaknesses and there is always someone out there with strengths to help with yours.  The trick is to find someone that you can help as well.  The moment you find them, make them a friend or a lover.  If you are useless to them, let them be an inspiration and let them alone.


Today is my Unoversary

Almost 15 years ago, I adopted the screen name, “TheOnliestNumber.”  Unfortunately I have lost the password and even access to the ISP email that it was set up for.  I adopted that screen name as I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 ½ years.  It was, for me a realization of no longer being a half and no longer being a pair and all it means.  This is the geek/nerd equivalent of a tattoo or what teenagers do when they change their wardrobe in order to wrap themselves up into a personality.

Here, as I celebrate my unoversary, I realize that like most wisdom I gained in my teenage years, I have forgotten that lesson.  I wish to share that lesson and immortalize the wisdom onto the internet, so that much like the small fabric signed a fish gave me at about the same time, I can randomly find it and look back at it and slap myself knowing that someone told me so and I even understood it.

One year ago, today, I went to court and my marriage was declared over.  It was the most tremendous anti-climax ever.  It was like 13 years of build up and then silence.  I was waiting for the beat to drop.

I am a fan of electronic music.  I’ve been to a few festivals and have idolized DJ Tiesto for far too long.  I’ve had nights that last so long that the sun comes up twice.  I wouldn’t trade a moment of that for the alternative.  I am so happy that she coaxed me halfway out of my shell, then grabbed me and pulled me out altogether.  I may have been a quiet guy and the least coordinated person  in the club, but I learned to have fun.  She taught me how to let loose and dance until the sweat flew every which way on the dance floor.  The last 2 years of the legal entity known as our marriage was a slow fade out with a few bass kicks of the old beat.

She had flown down to appear in court and we sat in the waiting room together.  When we were called before the judge, it seemed fairly unofficial at first, with them not even really asking for her to come into the courtroom.  I suppose the courts are familiar with the petitioner attending and the other party not showing up.  As we were seated before the judge, she read some official stuff and then asked for the reason of the divorce.  I looked to my wife.  She stared blankly at me.  So I told the judge “We had grown apart.”  The judge said that wasn’t enough, that it wasn’t a real reason.  I again looked to my wife who said “It’s for you to say.”  I considered this for a year, and it seemed I reconsidered it for another year in that courtroom.  “She’s in love with someone else.”

“I guess that would do it.”

The last words I would hear before the invocation of the spell that undid my marriage.  As we left the courthouse, I offered her a ride to her hotel.  I felt numb in the silence that followed.  I went to Denny’s and had breakfast for lunch.  I really don’t know what else I did that day, but I couldn’t go home.  Eventually I went to the bar we always used to go to.  I sat down, had a beer and some food, quiet and withdrawn as I usually was there.  In many ways, it was her bar.

I went back there on Tuesday, as it was becoming a weekly occurrence to cope with one of my classes.  I was greeted much differently.  Apparently some of the staff knew we were married.  Some of the staff did not.  Between the staff and the regulars, I was offered condolences and sympathy and encouragement.  Apparently she had come in shortly after I’d left on the day of the divorce.  It’s funny because I had not said a word about it.  I have tried not to imagine what happened when she came in.

Since then, life has been like a cold spring.  The roses on my patio just waiting to be planted are budding in January.  I wouldn’t have been able to see them for what they are a year ago.  Life has been cold and harsh, but I have grown and changed and life is good.  Bad things happen; life is never bad.

Regardless, the lessons I began to learn, on that Tuesday night, have grown.  It’s like taking the college version of classes you took in high school.  I am not a half.  I am not a pair.  Any time I’ve felt like a half or a pair has been delusion.  I am one.  I will always be one.  It is TheOnliestNumber.  I am just looking for another 1 to stand next to.  Some 1 to comfort me with her tenderness and share the weight of the world sometimes.  Some 1 to look at and see all the strength in the universe so that I can recognize the strength within me.  Some 1 to stand beside me for at least the next 30 years, through thick and thin and anger and love and everything else.  I want some 1 who is comfortable being 1 and with me being 1 and never becoming a 2 or a ½.

Today is my Unoversary.  Today I am one.  Today I understand that.  Today I celebrate that.

Being a better Human Being

I can’t find it on my blog(if you do please let me know), but I’ve ranted about the silliness of equality.  It was probably from “One Step Forward.”  Since I can’t provide the link at the moment, let me give you the summary: Equal is not a word to compare men.  Equal means interchangeable and no two people are interchangeable.  Comparing people is a fool’s errand.

That being said, it is quite hard for me to justify saying that someone is a better human being.  However, that is precisely what I believe.  There are many ways in which we try to judge people and I think that this is really the only scale that can be used universally.  A scale that is not universal is no scale at all.

There are 3 people I want to shine a light on and use as examples when I describe this scale. Continue reading

On being “Indian”

I’ve been trying to write a tribute to Charlie Chaplin for a while.  There is so much I want to say, that it is growing insane.  However, I just read a book and I am going to enjoy a quick side trip with a topic that bridges the two so that perhaps I will have less to say about Chaplin.  Perhaps.

I don’t have many readers, so I feel comfortable assuming you all know I’m “Indian.”  But this is the internet, so perhaps I should explain myself a little more clearly.  Those that know me already understand why I place quotes around that word.  You see, genetically, I am Indian.  I was raised in a house where rice was eaten constantly and breakfast was sometimes the spiciest meal of the day.  The house had Indian artwork in the form of statues of mystery and wonder. Continue reading

Always be just. Never be just anything.

Always be just. Never be just anything.

Without revealing my job or position, this will sound much vaguer than I’d like, so let’s draw a hypothetical situation to reveal the meaning.  It actually paints an even more digestible picture to discuss.

Let us imagine a world where I can tolerate the random disgusting things we all do enough to be a nurse and enough compassion to make people feel comfortable.  In this fictional world I had a customer ask me if I was a doctor, to which I said, “I’m just the nurse.”  This customer looked me dead in the eye and with the most compassionate look I’ve ever received said “Never be just anything.” Continue reading