Women should be objectified.

Objectify.

What a lovely word.  I objectify beautiful women all the time.  I objectify intelligent women too.  There is a long list of words and phrases that we have misappropriated over the years.  Perhaps the worst of which is “politically correct.”  The most important word that has been misappropriated, however, may be “objectify”. Continue reading

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Incurable

I have just learned that I suffer from a chronic and incurable disease. Hypoalcoholism affects 50% of all adults in the United States. There is no cure for the disease, though treatments are available. The greatest number of acute attacks occur on Mondays and on weekends, the symptoms often completely disappear. If there is anyone in the area that can help, it would be greatly appreciated. Bonus points will be awarded if you show up in a cute little nurse uniform with a stethoscope. If you show up in uniform and are female, in addition to the administration of medication, sponge baths may be involved. Ideal candidates will be between 5’4” and 5’7” tall and have strawberry blonde hair. Continue reading

Aside

To the lovey dovey couple that posted this last week

The other day, two of my Facebook friends, who were once friends in real life posted some lovey dovey trope about “the couples that are meant to be.”  And as the mushy single guy who’s always respected these two individually and have never really gotten close enough to see their nuts and bolts I am revolted.  Not the way you think I am, but I want to explain…  First, let’s start with the post: Continue reading

The food baby I have developed from my FOMO makes me srsly vom, but selfies of me twerking taken with my phablet make me squee. Apols.

Dear English Nerds, I hate you alot.  When I say alot I mean there is not enough room in this world for you and my hatred of you, so please leave.  To be clear, I am not talking about Nerds from England, I am talking about the supergeeks who are responsible for “defining” the English Language. Continue reading

Don’t tell anyone about this post

As babies, we learn through smiles.

A smile is the first question we are asked and the first answer we learn.  A smile therefore becomes the first question we ask and the first answer we look for.

Who doesn’t remember faces poking in over the edge of their crib and smiling at them?  Okay, I guess most of us don’t remember that, but it’s probably not a stretch of the imagination to think that people did that.  It’s probably not a stretch to think that your parents smiled when you pooped in the potty. Continue reading